Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Expansion Plans

Before WJC and I got engaged, we had broken up. This was because I had finally realized that I was waiting for something that was probably not going to happen. After all, I had been involved for six years with a man who was pretty open about the fact that he was not wild about having more kids. And I was just as open about the fact that I was not willing not to have kids of my own. We were at an impasse, and when I finally gave up, I ended things.

Much to my surprise, several months later, WJC proposed, and the rest is history. We are now sneaking up on our first anniversary, and thoughts have turned to expansion plans. While he is still not 100% thrilled with the idea of starting over with babies in the house, he has come around and realized what a great experience it will be for us to raise a child or children in the context of a loving marriage. It's an experience that he didn't have the first time around, as he was not married and he was very young. He knows that having kids is something that is important to me, and in the land of compromise (we are big on compromise), this is an area where he gave a little more than I did (where we are living right now is an area where I had to give a little more than he did, but that is another story).

We have officially been "not preventing" for about a year now, as I went off The Pill a couple of months before the wedding to get it out of my system. Well, I am pretty sure it is out of my system now, but still I am not pregnant. To be fair, we haven't been trying all that hard. First of all, I work night shift, and when I work a string of days, I see WJC not at all. Secondly, it took us a little while to get settled into this whole married life thing. It is not all sunshine and roses. On those nights when you just want to be alone and not have to see have this other person living in your house and breathing your air. It's a touch one to adjust to.

I also am living in the Land of the Overweight. I have been overweight for just about my entire adult life. I have lost weight at various times, but it has always come back on. I am currently on Weight Watchers, and I am doing well, but I have a long way to go before I will be a healthy weight. However, even just the twenty pounds that I have lost have made a big difference in the way my plumbing is working. When I first went off The Pill, I could count on cycles of anywhere from 21 to 36 days in length. It's hard to aim for a fertile time when you are so irregular. I also, through the wonder of charting, figured out that I seemed to have a short luteal phase, which was something that could cause a problem. However, I realized a few weeks ago that since starting Weight Watchers, I am in a consistent 28-29 day pattern. And my luteal phase this month was a perfectly acceptable thirteen days. Eureka! Perhaps this is the magic that I have been looking for!

This month, I thought we had gotten it all right. I had a nice chunk of nights off work in a row. We had a lot around the middle of my cycle. This could be it! But early this morning, I learned it was not so. Like clockwork, on day 29, I find myself, once again, not pregnant.

The difference now is that I feel like it is an achievable goal. Charting my cycles no longer makes me think that I am defective merchandise that won't ever get working. I know that we have what it takes to become parents.

And until I get that second pink line, I guess I will keep on working at Weight Watchers and keep paying attention to what finally seems to be going right with this body, and I will look forward to the day that I can share some good news with WJC. And I will try not to think about how "everyone" around me is getting pregnant, and I am not one of them yet.

Because someday soon, I will be.